Weblog
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
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How do you get over an old relationship?
I like to write poems or thoughts. Sometimes they are sad. Sometimes the writing is to underscore what good the relationship held for me. Sometimes I keep in touch...just for closure. I face the fact that most relationships come to an end.
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Tuesday, 09 February 2010
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Being Positive
I'm two days late on my weekly positive-spin blog. But here it is. Short. But here it is
it's shitty: X broke up with me and I'm loney
there's a positive side: One door closes another opens. He's being sweet and keeping in touch, not making me think anything will change, but there as the support I need right now. He's a good person. Also, the break got me in touch w/E. always hard to hook up with, we've talked twice and we'll see.it's shitty: I can't get my computer to work on the internet from my apt
there's a positive side: I'm still hooked up wirelessly when at my parent's house, and I got that book off to the publishers (yay) just in time! (double yay). The problem has me figuring out the technology stuff I always left to my soon-to-be-ex husband.it's shitty: I can't land a "real" full time job
there's a positive side: I still work part time with Aids patients in a residential facility. It's hard. But I feel like I'm doing something good. Who knows. Also, I've had the time to fialize my book. Maybe From Divorce Court tot the Ice Cream Shop will be successful! -
Technology and Divorce
For the last 19 years I relied on the soon-to-be-ex, my in-house Computer Engineer by profession, to take care of virtually anything technological in the home. I'm not an unresourceful person, but the challenge of a router gone dead, combined with my laptop which will just not behave, has gotten me frantic.
Like I said, I'm not unresourceful. I went to Best Buy last night. Daughter refused to come. Had a mini-fight (ok make that a slightly big fight). There is something about technology gone awry that can make even the sanest of people check their control at the door.
At the mega store, I checked out my options. I did not have the help of a salesperson, except to find the section. Go figure. Zoomed in a Belkin N router, returned home, and went to work trying to figure out what the hell all those cables and cords in the office were. WTF? Why are there 13 cables and wires?
Could not get my computer to connect to the internet. I did, however, successfully set it up on my daughter's laptop. She's online and wireless now (Hence, the current blog).
I went back to work on my Dell. Same cables, same software. Same supermom! Well, no. I can't get my own computer to work. Process of elimination: it has to be my computer. Probably the ethernet port. (boy, I sound lik I know something...ha ha). Divorce is hard in so many unforeseen ways. And, ugh. Another expense.
Wednesday, 03 February 2010
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He's back? E, not X
No. It's not X. It's Mocha E. I couldn't just sit around feeling sorry for myself and the loss of X. I did something.
Rationalizing, I just had to contact Mocha E. Yeah, he's the other fireman. The amazingly great looking, tall, muscular Adonis of a fireman from last year. I want to used a small, cropped, anonymous photo he gave me in my book. And I legally need permission, as it was taken by a pro. Total crap of an excuse. I could have just used it...what really are the chances if the photographer finding it deep in my little book?
We're going to meet so I can show him the photo and how it will be used. I'm so nervous!!! He made my heart stop. He was the subject of crazy fantasies. He became bigger than life in a very short amount of time. But it didn't end badly...it just ended because he couldn't cope with all of life's complications at the time....and he kept in touch, albeit by text messaging.
In fact, the last time we had a text conversation, X was on my couch snoring. Heh heh...Doesn't that show a little bit of his shortcomings...husband-like even before the wedding bells!
Here are some passages (strung together) from my book (the "..." means I cut some text).
Yes, the firefighter. If ever there was a remedy for a broken heart or crushing divorce, I needed to look no further! Simply put, to me, firefighters are HOT. Literally, at times, and figuratively always. ....
...When Mocha E ad I finally began made the transition from email to a series of mini-dates, I found him to be the perfect counterpoint to Vanilla T in so many heart-throbbing ways. This man, dubbed "Mocha E" for his smooth ways and chocolaty skin, was definitely the flavor I needed. At least he was the flavor I wanted to taste.
His dark skin – he was a mixture of Puerto Rican and American Indian – full lips, and deep eyes made my body warm and full of want. It didn't matter if we were in Harlem's Starbucks for an iced tea or in Soho's trendy Balthazar's sharing an intimate plate of mussels. This tall dark and handsome man was Ice Cream for my eyes...
...Yet Mocha E had an absolute rock solid determination to keep it platonic until…until….until, I don't know what. Until I finally couldn't bear it any longer. When I finally got a taste – the firm hands giving me a back rub and the intense deliberate kiss, stolen in a car after a day of rollerblading – I had to have more....
...Despite the scheduling challenges, we did get to see each other at least once a week. Was it worth it? Oh yes. Yum. And when we finally began to manage overnights, two words says it all: Double Yum....
... Yes, indeed. Amazing sex and phenomenal looks. And, the whole brave thing didn't hurt either. No wonder I wasn't fretting too much about what was going on in divorce land. ...
... But the firemen's heady testosterone levels proved to be the cincher. Nonstop sexuality, strength and scent. I'd pull my face into the pillow after Mocha E left, just to take in a breath of his pure scent and allow the memories to powerfully flow. All man.
What else could one ask for? Mmmm. The firemen.
Monday, 01 February 2010
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Poetry from the Internet Dating Trenches
I haven't written a poem in a while in this spot. But I've surprised myself by my misery since my breakup with X, despite the "no strings" relationship. Here's one for X, and my unexpectedly strong reaction to the loss of whatever it was we had.
Rock
without warning
and without her asking
he became her stolid rock
for her, the ground,
a place for balance,
a sweet desert in her storm
without warning,
and without her asking
his deep kisses touched her soul
an act of passion
a pure abandon
a sweet retreat from her storm
without warning
and without her wanting
his arms enclosed her fears
yet, now his breath cannot
be heard,
his skin cannot
be touched
without warning
without her asking
he softly walked away
with only memories
she, empty handed
without warning,
feels the tears
beautyinbeautyout
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- Name: A
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 4/26/2009
About Me
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Stupidly honest. Wickedly sexy. Unabashedly intelligent. Hopelessly dumb with men. The creation of visual art and prose keeps me sane as I live through the trials of a long hard divorce and the ups and downs of internet dating.
Pulse
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Couldn't sleep last night. Tossing and turning about X's breakup w me for a new women :< makes me feel like I "came in" second.
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Finally following up, Gail's feedback on my book was really good! Yay! A took her advice to ad a few extra date anecdotes.
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Waiting for gail's comments on my book. Very nervous. self-publishing is scary.The risk is all yours.
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between the new medication and the cough...I can't sleep.
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I want to finish my book, "From Divorce Court to the Ice Cream Shop" I think I'm in a gd enough place to finish(so far140pp)
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Afraid I'll throw pills up,& pretty sure I won't get blood if I try the throat.Bad suicidal thought day yest. Eyes r still puffy
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You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. -Sam Keen (fr restlessbutterfly)
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i want to sleep...
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Friday it was the brakes on my car. Today I broke my tooth! (back one, thankfully, but, jeeze, on Special K!)
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Brought my Tahoe for state inspection. Needs new front and back brakes and roters. $1,300.00. It ever ends.
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