One might think it would be "easier" to have breaks from being a mom. For me and my eleven year old the court ordered schedule -- which makes me a one week on/one week off mom -- is tearing at the fabric of my relationship with my daughter.

The court ordered a 7/7 schedule beginning on Mondays and inclued a visit with the non-residential parent on Thursdays. This ruling has been increasingly difficult for me and my daughter (I'll never know what goes on when she's with her father but she says she "hates" him. I gather they are difficult weeks for him, too).

Alex is eleven, and was always a challenging child. But her increasing opposition to authority, organizational difficulties (ADD), sarcasm, non-stop demands, and  plain nastiness is becoming more than I can seem to handle. I try to be patient and firm. But I am bipolar, and even with the meds there are many times that the hours of patience wear thin. I blow up with a reaction disproportionate to her actions.

Sadly, our new horse, which was intended to be a "joy,"  is a source of problems. Alex  is  a good rider, but doesn't know when to quit.  A gentle reminder to give the horse  a break from repeated cantering and jumping goes ignored. A firmer one, too.   The horse is soaking, and beginning to put all his weight on his forelegs.  Enough, already.  I am ignored.  Afterward, in his stall, she tears a cooler off his body, because I didn't hear her ask me what I was doing. The blanket is hanging around the horses leg, threatening to entangle him and set off a potentially dangerous sequence of events. Thank goodness he is a quiet horse and was too busy with his hay to notice the loose fabric around his hoofs.

And thus,  I'm losing it. Losing my daughter every week that goes by. The "breaks" mean we don't get to figure it out and mend our fences. The lack of continuity is killing me. Our latest week together just ended this morning as I sent her off to school. The tears in my eyes betray what an awful week it was and my fear of the next one.

The best things in life are free they say. And often that is true: A good run around the resevoire in NYC can make my day. A slow walk in the woods can bring peace. A moment of daydreaming on a kid's swing just before I decide to go as high as I can is something I still love to do. And, well, you can't beat a really good bout of s-x.   

But sometimes the best/good/great/whatever things cost money.  Sometimes a lot of money. It's a fact of life. 

My personal vice on that score is horseback riding. I love the exhilaration of having a powerful animal under me, while we work as a team. I live for the  feeling of a jump well executed by both, and the wonderful mutual appreciation that comes at the end of a ride when you give him a shower and groom him from head to hoof.

Today I go to ride the horse my daughter wants me to buy. She and 'Zip" are super as a pair and I should just close my eyes and write the check. But monetary considerations suggest I buy a horse that we can share.

The first time I rode Zip was not good. He was way too, shall I say, "zippy." Our lines of communication were worse than that of me and my currently divorcing husband.   

But, being the stubborn persistent person that I am, I'm going to try again, drive 100 miles for the day (he's in the hamptons,were we go for weekends) and give him one more go.   I'm gonna try to be relaxed and hope for the decent,  but really near-perfect ride. I'm going to breath deep and hope it works out. He's a great horse for my daughter, who really needs a bit of something special, as this ongoing divorce and custody arrangement is taking a huge toll.